Been thinking of Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying while digging precious Lulu’s grave – as she lies sleeping peacefully on her fluffy bed. It’s not easy digging into a super hard, rocky ground but it must be done. Cremations are prohibitively expensive these days.
After much pounding away and filling with water, the hole is 2 feet deep. Hope that is deep enough to prevent curiosity of local wildlife. Meanwhile I’m grateful I don’t have to travel cross country with Lulu in an open wagon like Faulkner’s characters in the Dying book.
I want her to have as much time as possible so long as she is not in pain and experiences some joy in life. The joy is getting less but it’s apparent she is not ready to go. She is sticking with me on our journey through the travails of old age.
Lulu doesn’t understand anything about the ravages of time. She continually rubs her eyes against the rug and soft furniture trying to remove the cataract darkness from her almost blindness. She still sees forms and movements and never runs into furniture unless I fail to use the night light. I wish I could tell her exactly what is going on but alas……………
The big surprise development is her lack of enthusiasm for morning hikes in the forest. She stops at the door sill as the other dogs move toward the car. Occasionally she does want to go with us and I rejoice and also fear it could be her last trip.
My dear Lulu is gone now and I remain broken-hearted so many months later. She was with me for over 15 years and would probably still be here if I had not euthanized her on 11/25. We discussed it and also checked it out with the pendulum: it was time for her to go. She no longer just walked in circles around the entire house. She was spinning in place – non stop, and getting hung up in strange places, unable to retrieve herself. She was totally deaf, practically blind and unable to receive many pets on her bony skeleton. I loved her dearly as she loved me. We were never separated and will continue now walking into the dissolving future.
This is indeed a time of great loss for me: Death of animals, friends,
profession and democracy. The later is an ongoing process which continues to climax with each passing day. I have lost the will to write and so the lack of posts on this site. It’s all mental and seems impossible to overcome.